transformation rituals
By Nathaniel Thomas
surrender to grief
to pain
a radical choice
inside evil’s utopia
stop
feel
rest
these wounds i carry
tell me to never stop
running
‘it’s you and you alone’
they cry
i step towards them
i want to understand
an approach met with
foul smell
and dry air
this voice a cry of the colonizer
in the altar of my heart
sits the 10 of cups
nestled into peace
to regulation
because we have each other
we can keep going
victory under this extractive spell
feels like surviving
abundance is a place of struggle
but it’s sweet
because putting up a fight
is the point
my north star is held
in the sky by many
my guides ask me to receive
and the wound of scarcity fumbles to the stage
my dad in a suit pretending
for love
he smashes his guitar into pieces
picks up a handle of scotch
and throws tomatoes at the tv
he worked all his life for this reward
capitalism is a boring lie
to surrender to pain and grief
i ask the two of knives for a break
‘go to your dressing room and learn new lines’
i direct them, gently
i greet grief at the door of the cottage
the place we always meet
rage is with her
and we go outside
a first for us
she just wants to feel the sun
we sit and others join
the ones holding us
the ones that root for us
and collaborate in plan-making
rage starts yelling and I join her
i put on a mustache
and sing Jimmy Eat World
at the top of my lungs
we laugh til
crying turns to wailing
the ancestors cheer
and the sun wraps us in warmth
the white wound of self-victimhood
defensiveness and shame
transformed in these rituals
with two of my closest companions
grief and rage
Bio: Nathaniel Thomas is a white, queer & trans, astrologer, writer, producer & container holder. They are committed to repairing that which was severed from self, land, ancestor & other – transformation rituals is inspired by that work.
